Some days you make it, some days you don't.
Some days you make it, some days you don't. Be forgiving and gentle to self.
Today is another i-dont-want-to-go-to-school day.
I let A's teacher carry her inside crying out for Mummy.
It didn't feel right yet I did it. Honestly, I could have sat with her for an hour, or even brought her home if she decided not to go in.. Yet I gave in, under pressure, social pressure.
Thoughts about how I were being seen rushed through me, fighting for mind space against the Mummy part of me..
The Teacher was sitting with us. Much as she didn't rush me, I felt uneasy, I felt like a barrier to her doing her work, I felt judged for being the "different Mum" that insisted on not passing on her child. Thoughts of how I were bejng seen rushed through me, fighting for mind space against the Mummy part of me. And I gave in. I subconsciously decided I mattered more than my child. I chose to walk away from a situation uncomfortable for me, rather than choosing to prioritize her emotions.
I failed today.
Walking away from the school back home with the image of her crying reaching for me over her teacher's shoulder, I felt ashamed "Why did I do that?". I felt like a fake writing about the First Day of School episode.
I failed today.
I took a deep breath asking myself "Why did I do that?". It was really to protect myself, it was really a reflection of a part of me that is so scared to be judged, a part of me that is wired to conform, a part of me that is afraid of asserting my own stand.
It's easy to go down this path of beating yourself up when we are less than our expectation..
I've spent a considerable amount of time, money, and efforts to do my own inner work, and I help others with theirs, yet I ended up failing my own daughter.
You see, it's easy to go down this path of beating yourself up when we are less than our expectation. I took a deep breath and tried to connect with that fearful part of me trying to escape, and told myself "it is ok, you did your best, I hear you"
That felt a little bit better. Much as I am still unhappy about what I did, I became more resourceful and figured I should request not to call her teachers out and just walk with her around instead of sitting there and subject us to direct pressure.
It is important for children to know, parents are human beings.
I hope the little girl has settled in by now and plan to explain to her what happened, how I felt; and shared with her how we could do it differently the next time. I think it is important for children to know, parents are human beings. We make mistakes too and what's more important is they learn from us how to pick ourselves up and manage the aftermath.
I feel an inner relief for not being judged, by myself, for being understood.
I am gonna care for and work on the parts of me that showed up today.
When you feel you are beating yourself up, take a deep breath and ask yourself "Why do I feel this way?". The more sincere you are in looking for an answer, the more self-connected you will become, and the lighter is your "life-load". Just remember to be gentle with yourself. You've gone through a lot. It takes time, support and a lot of self-love to notice these hurt parts, heal them and get closer to your core "soul", just like how Joe went through layers of dark cloudy figures to reach 22, if you have watched "Soul". We chose it as a family movie (with a 4+ and 2+ year-old. Yes, you heard it right. We didn't do much research beforehand 😶). The movie left me with just too many lingering thoughts that I gotta pen down some day 😅.
Now, back to work and I look forward to picking my daughters up, and shared with them about my lessons today 🙂
Sending you love.
Janny
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Do you also feel you are failing yourself and your loved ones at times? It would be my honor to work through these feelings and uncover the root cause with you. Without this understanding, you may unconsciously hurt yourself all over again, and again. I am offering Pay As You Wish emotional coaching sessions as part of my 2021 goal to sharpen my skills and spread awareness about emotional wellness (and power!). Email me at janny.huynh@gmail.com
