Feel like losing you
Updated: Jul 19, 2020
He reached home, still looking swamped in his own thoughts. After dinner and showering, he told me he had the urge to be alone. After some time, he finally gave in and went downstairs to be with himself while doing some work on his phone. And so he said goodbye and closed the door behind.
We did hug each other goodbye (strange , I know) and I was left feeling like losing him. This feeling of not knowing enough about this person I call husband and partner, this feeling of no longer knowing him and not being able to make him feel less inclined to be alone.
I indulged myself in that thought for a moment, and I caught it! "Am I losing him? Show me the facts".
I brought myself back to the birthday weekend he spent with us just over 24hours ago. We had a blast with so many heart to heart moments. I brought myself back to truly appreciating his courage to share with me the urge to smoke and his feeling of wanting to be alone.
Losing him? Really? Perhaps I was too early to jump to conclusions, which many of us tend to do, when we see a seemingly threatening symptom. You sneeze one time and you are worried about catching Covid-19? And here it comes the spiralling thoughts of being seriously ill. Before you are actually ill, your mind is already suffering from that thought and your behaviors affected.
Imagine I acted like I was losing him (which happened before by the way), cold shoulder, silent treatment, insecurity, distrust, blaming, you name it.., i have done it.
And imagine how he would react to it, already in the state of isolation and feeling even his partner was rejecting him somehow.
As a couple, we know this cycle intimately. And I am sure many couples do.
I don't want to go there, I want to be fair to myself and my partner. I am gonna be vigilant and notice the symptoms. When I see the need, I shall start noting down how often he feels certain way and how often I feel certain way, to gather the facts and be able to see things objectively before allowing myself to indulge in negative thoughts (which, by the way, should get us curious about - I will share a bit more on this below)
Just by simply "catching the thought", I paused and gave myself the space to be more compassionate, to myself and my partner. I carried on my evening feeling lighter, and I greeted my husband with a smile when he came back from his "time-out".
When the emotions and dynamic between us seem to be balanced again, I shared with my husband my thought, we talked it through (open communication is key!) And I also had the chance to explore why I felt the way I felt, a lot more to do with my own insecurity and distrust. They are rooted emotions which can't be fixed overnight, but the power to catch it and empower my healthy parts to take over when I need it the most, save us another relationship wound that night.
I wish you the clarity, and courage to catch your own patterns and beliefs that might be sending you to a fictional situation and in no time turning it into your reality. When you catch it, pause and turn back to appreciate what you already have. It's a good place to decide how to respond and not react..